Favorite Jokes...Share With Your Friends

[faither]

I just posted something in the Political Forum that reminded me of one of my favorite jokes and I thought I'd share it with you all.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
From "Late Night with David Letterman"


Do you have a funny you'd like to share?

[Freelance Superhero]

here's one my cousin sent me a loooong time ago that i will always remember:

A long time ago, there was a horse named White Horse. Ever since he was born, all White Horse wanted to be was a racing horse. He worked and worked his entire life to be the best racing horse he could. After a few years, he got his shot. He was taken to the best racing track in all of America. As he was being led through the stable to his new home, he passed by another horse, named Black Horse. White Horse looked at Black Horse and said, "Hi, I'm White Horse. It looks like we'll be racing together!" Black Horse didn't say anything. White Horse didn't let it bother him and went to his stable.

Before the first race, White Horse worked and worked to get in shape for it. When the day of the race came, he was in great shape. White Horse was led into his gate, which was right next to Black Horse. White Horse said, "Hey, good luck Black Horse." Black Horse didn't even flinch. White Horse was bothered but he didn't want his focus to waver, so he brushed it off.

The horses got set. The gun fired, and they were off. White Horse got way out in front, way ahead of everyone else. But about 20 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicked it into gear and smoked White Horse.

White Horse was disappointed, and as he walked by the winner's circle, he yelled to Black Horse, "Hey good job Black Horse." Black Horse nodded to White Horse.

The next week, White Horse worked his tail off to get in even better shape for the next race. When the day of the race came, White Horse took his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again said, "Hey, good luck Black Horse." Black Horse said, "Yeah, uh, you too."

The horses got set. The gun fired, and they were off. White Horse got way out in front, way ahead of everyone else. But about 15 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicked it into gear and smoked White Horse. Black Horse won again.

White Horse was pissed, because now he was 0-2. But as he walked by the winner's circle, he yelled to Black Horse, "Hey good job Black Horse." Black Horse said "Thanks."

The next week, White Horse worked his tail off to get in EVEN BETTER shape for the next race. When the day of the race came, White Horse took his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again said, "Hey, good luck Black Horse." Black Horse said, "You too, White Horse."

The horses got set. The gun fired, and they were off. White Horse got way out in front, way ahead of everyone else. But about 10 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicked it into gear and smoked White Horse. Black Horse won yet again.

White Horse was crushed. He couldn't understand it. He ran back to his stable and started crying. Well about this time, a little dog walked by called Little Dog. Little Dog said, "White Horse, what's wrong?" White Horse said, "I just can't win. I'm not good enough." Little Dog said, "Don't worry about it. Tomorrow, we'll work harder than you have ever worked before."

The next day, Little Dog and White Horse BUST ASS. I mean, Rocky-style training. White Horse was in the best shape of his life. When the day of the race came, White Horse took his place next to Black Horse. White Horse again said "Hey, good luck Black Horse." Black Horse said, "You too, White Horse. Don't hurt yourself."

The horses got set. The gun fired, and they were off. White Horse got way out in front, way ahead of everyone else. But about 5 meters before the finish, Black Horse kicked it into gear and smoked White Horse. Black Horse won again.

White Horse was devastated. He couldn't understand how he lost. So he went to the doctor to check him out. They did all sorts of tests and such. After a few hours, the doctor came back and said, "White Horse, I don't know how to tell you this, but you have cancer. You have about a week to live." White Horse was just flabbergasted. He went back to his stable and started crying.

Little Dog came up and said, "White Horse, what's wrong?" White Horse stammered out, "I have cancer! All I want to do is win ONE race before I die." Little Dog was crushed. He says, "White Horse, don't worry, I have a feeling you'll win the next race. Let's go train and get you in even better shape."

The night before the race, Little Dog wrote an anonymous letter to Black Horse. It read: "Black Horse, White Horse has cancer. Let him win." Little Dog slipped the letter in Black Horse's stable.

When the day of the race came, White Horse took his place next to Black Horse as usual. Again, he said, "Hey, good luck Black Horse." Black Horse
said, "You too, White Horse. I'm sure you'll do great."

The horses got set. The gun fired, and they were off. White Horse got way out in front, way ahead of everyone else. But about 1 meter before the finish, Black Horse kicked it into gear and smoked White Horse. Black Horse won yet again.

White Horse just fell down and died right there on the track.

Little Dog, seeing this, ran right up to Black Horse and said, "Black Horse, WTF did you do?!?! I TOLD you White Horse had cancer!!! WHY DID YOU BEAT HIM???"

Black Horse looked down and said, "Holy sh*t, a talking dog."

[ShawnLee]

A guy is jogging when he comes across a hot chick on some train tracks jumping up and down repeating, "47, 47, 47." Her large assets are going up and down with her and he stops to watch as he becomes more and more curious as to what she's doing.

So he walks up to her and asks if he could join her. She looks over at him, still jumping up and down, and says, "47, sure, 47, you can, 47, join in, 47."
And he starts jumping up and down on the train tracks too.

Suddenly, as he's watching her jiggle, a bullet train comes out of the middle of nowhere and blares its horn. He freaks out and sees the girl gracefully jump out of the way, but he's still so shocked that he's locked up and is quickly run over.

After the train passes by, the girl climbs back onto the train tracks, starts jumping up and down, and says, "48, 48, 48, 48..."

[hapoo]

here's one my cousin sent me a loooong time ago that i will always remember:


snip

I want my 5 min back!!!!!!

[ArkiStan]

http://www.gotapex.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93324

This one has gotten rave reviews among my circles. ^^

[bachviet]

I want my 5 min back!!!!!!

[thresher]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[esme]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

......that was funny!!

**EDIT** (had to add a joke)

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Chompers]

It was Lil Johnny's first day back to school. In English class, the teacher, wanting the children to learn to use words in sentences as well as spell them, asked the class "who can give me a sentence using the word "hotel."

Little Johnny, wanting to show the class how smart he was, jumped up and said "I will teacher, I will, please let me." The teacher sighing, said "okay Johnny, give us a sentence using the word "hotel."

Little Johnny runs to the front of the class with a proud look on his face and says "My momma says she ain't gonna never tell her friend, Sharon anything else, 'cause that hotel everyone everything she knows."

The teacher fainted.

[esme]

my friends send me way too many jokes .....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. . .
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny. "He turns to the third Mom." Your obsession is
alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on,
Dick, we're leaving."

[Lolita]

Here's my favorite short one:

Why did the boy fall off his bike?



Because somebody threw a refrigerator at him.

[sixpac shakur]

What is E.T. short for?


'Cause he got short legs!

[bachviet]

The last two from thresher and esme are good.

[Chompers]

A few chuckles

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another
woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing
him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,
she was asked if she had anything to say in her own
defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured
that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

---------------------------------------------------

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his
coat. His wife says, Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

[Mommypooh]

I like those last two Chompers. Those are good.

[Chompers]

I like those last two Chompers. Those are good.

THANKS!

[Chompers]

I thought this was cute...you decide!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or femi nine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz ". A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
"el computer"), because:

1. In order to get them to do anything, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[esme]

^ ....good one!!!

[doolittle]

ROFL great joke chompers

[dougadam]

I just posted something in the Political Forum that reminded me of one of my favorite jokes and I thought I'd share it with you all.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
From "Late Night with David Letterman"


Do you have a funny you'd like to share?

You can do better than that.

[Mommypooh]

another good one Chompers

[bachviet]

I think #1 reason why computer is Masculine: Size does matter.

[angl2b]

not a read type joke - but I thought it was funny and cute...